We all know that Tom Cruise is an alien. His choice in selecting Katie Holmes to fall in love with him (read: ‘billions of dollars and making her famous again’) might have been a somewhat flawed plan; even though his Scientologistic ass can live non-stop all the time, Katie simply can’t keep up. Sweetie, it’s not your fault. (No, Tom. You are Not sweetie). Katie, it’s not your fault that in your young innocence you fell for the most wanted handsome billionaire-all-be-it wacko-like-jacko, in the history of movies. Oh, sweetie, (NO TOM, you are NOT SWEETIE!!! We are NOT your boyfriend-behind-the-scenes so please stop thinking we want to talk to you!) …ahem, Katie, don’t cry, it’s just not Scientologistic…you poor thing. Smile knowing you have a half-alien daughter who disappears and reappears like the ghost of Elvis. The good news is that since the father is alien and the mother is not she would not be considered alien on most conservative or orthodox alien planets. So don’t worry, Suri will be fine…just keep the psychology fund ready in the waiting. By the way, where’s Suri?

Frequented by dizzy spells and black-out headaches, Katie might be suffering from mounting anxiety from the pressure exerted on her from all facets of her life. Freaky witch-doctor Scientologists are trying to steal her soul, Tom is making her redecorate the house using Scien-Feng-ology, Suri doesn’t want to be seen, I mean… what the hell would you do?? Girlfriend is lookin’ reeeeeeeeeal waif lately too. I am assuming she’s pulling the Victoria Beckham bullshit, which is eating lettuce and freeze dried prawns (wtf, gross). Caught publicly weak at Joan’s on Third, she was spotted ‘dazed and unsteady’. Here’s our possible causes:
A - Could it be that she just realized what she has done with her life?
B - Perhaps she is on some Redotex / Mexican Diet pill binge to shed her Baby-Phat. (Shout out to ya Kimorra, we’ll bill ya for the plug later)
C - She realized that Suri was abducted by aliens, who were friends of her Tom’s, taken to planet Scientolandia and getting the Grey matter sucked out of her little head and replaced by brainwashed cells which can only think irrationally and worship L. Ron Hubbard. (If we disappear it is because we have angered the Hubbard G-ds and they have come for us…notify the authorities, but only outside of L.A. please)
D - Katie is pregnant again…this time with John Travolta’s half-alien child. (Can Scientologist men share their wives?)

Oh, Joey what has happened to you? I miss the good ol’ days, when life was only complicated by a bumbling James Van Der Beek. Not any more. Not only is Tom a psycho, he’s a RUDE psycho. Leaves for days and they say he instills a ‘dont ask me about it’ type of policy. Tom’s out and about sucking off Xenu and reading (or living in) sci-fi novels while poor Katie pulls her hair out over which color the window treatment should be..and where’s Suri?

They need to beam Tom back up and leave Katie alone. Where the hell is Will Smith when you need him? Fighting off intergalactic lame-asses is his forte and he knows Tom Cruise well, although one day when Tom Cruise goes off the deep end and goes postal The Fresh Prince will regret the association. ‘He always seemed normal to me’. Tom needs a real ass kicking… he needs to comfort Katie right now and instead he’s running off… So what is the name of the guy Tom Cruise is sneaking off to see? Ha. Wouldn’t you like to know…so would we.

We love you Katie, get well. And if it’s any consolation, I have a bit of built up anger for Tom ever since “Cocktail” turned out to be about drinking, so, Tom… welcome to the List, relax and enjoy your stay…it could be a while. (btw, where’s Suri?)